dilemma of desire.

so i just got off the phone with my dear friend marla. as freshman hall-mates and fellow bioengineering buddies, we go way back... it's been awhile since we have last caught up but like with any true friendship, the passing of time is an irrelevant factor.

over the course of an hour, we spent most of our conversation on the topic of life's desires regarding career and how to handle the unexpected wrench that gets thrown into our plans. i guess it all comes down to how we approach setbacks and process disappointments that pepper our path.... are we resilient in bouncing back, determined in our pursuit, or do we rather avoid risks altogether, out of fear, giving into comfort? let's just say our little chat was all too relevant.

so really, what makes someone to continue pushing on despite it all? i believe it all comes down to singular focus; knowing what you want and doing what it takes to achieve that goal. seems simple enough. well, that is, if you actually know what you want...

for myself, i finally feel like i am there. of course, it took me all but 2 years to reach this point and even now i'm reticent to embrace it fully...for fear of, well, a lot of things. after graduating college, i had no idea what to do with myself. my previous well-laid plans had come to reveal only disenchantment and a clear picture of what i didn't want in life. well, great. some say that is the first step to discovering what you do want, but what about the steps in between?

i had always envisioned that with age, came clarity, wisdom and direction, however what i have come to find is quite different. rather it appears that this cloud of ambiguity only advances as we get older, for the more we grow, the more options are presented to us - which path to take? where will it take me? will i be happy with this choice or happier with another? how to know? perplexing and paralyzing in every sense, only presenting more questions than answers.

funny enough, the essence of this journey, regardless of circumstance, is all too well captured in a timely grey's anatomy quote. so with this i will end. for whether in the former or latter state, we can all relate to this dilemma of desire.

"too often the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. desire leaves us heartbroken. it wears us out. desire can wreck your life. but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want."

sigh...such is life, i guess. ;)

going green.

while booking my non-stop july flight from DCA to IAH this afternoon, i made a small but important contribution to our environment. i went green. that's right - for a mere $6 i was able to offset my trip's carbon (CO2) output completely...all 1,085 lbs of it. a concept initially conceived in a wharton mba classroom back in my final semester at penn has now become the talk of the nation. terrapass - an innovative idea that has changed the way we can all fight global warming through alternative energy development.

i had first heard of the revolutionary objective through an january 2006 article in the alumni mag of the pennsylvania gazette, 10 months later i was reminded in a witty daily candy email, but it wasn't until today that i took action. sure the fact that expedia partnered up with terrapass just last month made it that much easier for me to "do my part," but there's so much more of why...

now, i don't consider myself an environmentalist, but i do think that is time america and the world woke up from our all-consuming destructive "slumber" and learned to appreciate the place we call home. with so much recent buzz on saving planet earth, it is definitely an issue that is hard to ignore. inconveinent truth or not, we cannot continue our obtuse energy-hogging ways. heavy dependence on limited resources that result in polluted emissions? it's a lose-lose situation that will only leave us crippled in the long-run. eventually, it will all give way to the rule of petropolitics...meaning, life as we know it must or will change, in one way or another.

well aware of all the many articles out there on this topic, i finally ran across one worth recommending - a published piece in last week's nyt magazine by thomas l. friedman. seriously, read it... let us each consider how we can become the "greenest generation."

del.icio.us

so i might be a little behind the times, but today i discovered the amazing internet technology known as del.icio.us. this social bookmarking website is super sweet! i really haven't had much time to play around with it, but i'm already obsessed with the potential.

as much as i love google, it only brings up so many resources... but with delicious, the search returns are limitless and let's be honest, more relevant. one thing's for sure, this is going to making my future "research" endeavors that much more fruitful - especially now that they've bridged the bookmark gap to be compatible with firefox mozilla. a delicious duo? oh yeah.

sometimes technology really does improve the quality of life. sometimes. :)

inner peace.

honestly - i can't complain. this weekend was a well-balanced recipe of all things good...

it started off with an early morning trip to the dmv to get my motorcycle permit. an hour and half later (ridiculous) i walked out with my new id card with the anticipated not-so-lovely picture. i then met up with some girlfriends of mine - claire, bethany & kelly - to enjoy a little nature hike along the c&o canal and the great falls of the potomac. eight miles later, i returned home, jumped in the shower and hurried off to aggie muster at the historic omni shoreham in dc. gotta love that aggie spirit. while stephen reconnected with some of his old corps buddies, i got to meet his dad's current (but soon to be former) boss. we then schmoozed with the key note speaker and fellow thor's hammer wargamer, lt. gen. william fraser iii, and at the end of it all, we stood in somber silence as all the fallen aggies of past year were honored. the playing of taps gets me everytime. afterwards, we changed out and then scooted across the memorial bridge in our little red vespa to enjoy a pad-thai picnic on the mall and quick afternoon nap in the sun.

in short, yesterday truly was a great day, except...

amidst of it all, an undercurrent of deep restlessness stirred my soul, burdened my spirit and preoccupied my mind. by sunday morning i was in a funk. this tenacious feeling has been haunting me for i don't know how long. i have tried to shake it off by exercise, busyness, self inflection...just to end in futile striving. what's wrong with me? i'm afraid i'm lost in that age old question - "who am i?"

as my mind swam with plans, ambitions, motives? and so much more, we made our way to church this afternoon. caught up in my own little world of questions, i was not really expecting any answers out of the service. but lo and behold, i was pleasantly surprised by the lord's perfect timing. duke gave the sermon tonight, and the relevance almost knocked my socks off.

he centered his preaching around 1 corinthians 7:17-24, but it was the 23rd verse that echoed in my ears..."you were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men." why do we expend so much wasted energy searching approval from others? it is true that every person lives for a master - searching for freedom, joy, confidence - in the belonging. constantly desiring to upgrade our lives whether it is a job, location, or status, we numbly succumb to the social pressures of whatever ideal occupies our mental screensaver.

as we look to our circumstances to define our self-worth, we lose sight of the present. our continual quest for self-improvement leaves us exhausted and empty as we yearn for the unattainable. i think this prayer sums up our fruitless efforts quite succinctly: "there are seasons for all things, but our problem is that no matter which season we're in, we hanker for somewhere else. but god grant us the grace to be here and now, for you are here and now."

it is only when we learn to rest in christ, that we are able to find the freedom we are seeking. finding our honor, status and belonging in him as we accept him as lord over our lives. but of course, our tendency is to embrace this grace only after all our other efforts have failed us....figures! at least i was able to come to this realization tonight and return home feeling at peace. ah - how good it feels to air out my soul!

finally, i'd like to leave you with this amazing hymn whose lyrics have captivated my heart. they were written by martin luther in year...get this...1524.

"from depths of woe (psalm 130)"

from the depths of woe i raise to thee the voice of lamentation;
lord, turn a gracious ear to me and hear my supplication;
if thou iniquities dost mark, our secret sins and misdeeds dark,

o who shall stand before thee? (who shall stand before thee?)

to wash away the crimson stain, grace, grace alone availeth;
our works, alas! are all in vain; in much the best life faileth;
no man can glory in thy sight, all must alike confess thy might,

and live alone by mercy (live alone by mercy)

therefore my trust is in the lord, and not in mine own merit;
on him my soul shall rest, his word upholds my fainting spirit;
his promised mercy is my fort, my comfort and my sweet support;

i wait for it with patience (wait for it with patience)

though great our sins and sore our woes his grace much more aboundeth;
his helping love no limit knows, our upmost need it soundeth.
our shepherd good and true is he, who will at last his israel free

from all their sin and sorrow (all their sin and sorrow)

southern comfort.

no, not the whiskey blend but the musical talents of patty griffin. ever heard of her? i hadn't until just last night.

i had the immense pleasure of hearing her spunky yet mellow tunes for the first time in concert at the historic warner theatre. my good friend susan fernandez (a fellow anglo girl with a distinctly latin surname - love it!) is a fiercely devoted fan of hers and invited me to share the fun and help her celebrate her upcoming birthday. so after enjoying a delish dinner at chef geoff's, we skipped across 13th street, straight into the show. not entirely sure what to expect i prepared myself for the new experience.

in front of a packed out and energetic audience, musician scott miller opened for the little lady. a native from the mountainous shenandoah region of roanoke, va, and a w&m grad, this kid had the stuff! i was so impressed - his expansive octave-to-octave range, accompanied with the acoustic guitar as the harmonica chimed in, just gave me goosebumps. sooo good! i knew if the cover was this fantastic, the star of the show had to be fabulous.

after a quick intermission, the lights dimmed and the spotlight set as patty took the stage... with her fiery reddish brown hair, flowing green skirt and dorothy-"follow the yellow brick road"-red 5" high heels - whew! starting off at the piano, she first performed a beautiful rendition of a french lullaby that her grandmother use to sing. her down-to-earth approach and genuine spirit captivated the audience immediately. for the next 2 hours or so she dazzled and wooed us with her deep lyrics, warming voice and soulful passion. however my favorite song of the night was her one and only love song...that she wrote to her dog (some dog!) - "heavenly day". so happy, so free.

so if you are looking for some new music to chill out to, i recommend checking this pair out. you won't be disappointed. for me it was a refreshing break from my current pop-punk phase :)

as we ask why.

today's horrific blacksburg massacre on the campus of virginia tech took us all by surprise. what irrational acts of violence upon innocent souls don't? the evil, the pain, the injustice. the worst campus shooting in u.s. history with 33 killed. it's hard to comprehend why, even as we ask...why.

walking home in the rain today, my ipod tuned into this song by good charlotte. it made me think of all the hurting hokies and the family of those lost this morning....may the healing begin.

............................................................................................

"we believe"

there’s a woman crying out tonight
her world has changed
she asks god why
her only son has died
and now her daughter cries
she can’t sleep at night

we believe
in this love

we are all the same
human in all our ways and all our pains
(so let it be)
there’s a love that could fall down like rain
(let us see)
let forgiveness wash away the pain
(what we need)
and no one really knows what they are searching for
(we believe)
this world is crying for so much more

we believe
in this love

so this world is too much for you to take
just lay it down and follow me
i’ll be everything you need
in everyway

in this love
we believe

............................................................................................

full circle.

it's official. from 10 east shadowpoint circle to 7 pastoral pond circle, the kauer family is returning to the woodlands. somewhat bittersweet but in the end, for the best. i'm going to miss calling europe "home" as i have for the past 4 years. fortunately we'll have one last hurrah this may, with 2 weeks of family travels planned - from the homebase of prague, to the streets of vienna, back through nurnberg, with a final stop in krakow. whew - can't wait! but as soon as we say adieu, the boxes will emerge and mom, dad and bro will be packing up once again...

returning to a place with over 10 years of memories and where eager family await with open arms. but oh has it been quite the process. with the potential of having the grandparents move in and creating the new central hub for all things family, let's just say everyone has had an opinion on the matter. ;) stephen and i even went on some initial house hunting trips back in december, which was very fun. sticker shock is definitely relative when it comes to real estate and by our dc market standards, everything in texas was a steal. tempting, very tempting, but then again...na.

in other respects, the move back is a little surreal. so much has changed yet not. a lot of life happens in a 6 year period, especially when it involves multiple moves to foreign places (stateside and abroad!). horizons are broadened, wings are stretched, life is experienced from a fresh perspective. everything is new, which makes returning, well, a bit anti-climatic. sure, it's comfortable but there is an innate concern of claustrophobia. homogeneous surroundings, mindsets, expectations, ambitions...not much to pull you out but rather a push to settle. to nest. to dwell. definitely not bad but different than what has been asked of recent. as with any transition from one phase to another, adjustments are needed.

which speaking of, there is one adjustment that won't be much of adjustment at all. everyone knows plain well the republic of texas is all about wide open spaces, and i guess after years of having had to deal with small-scale commodities of europe, my parents embraced the space....an estate-size worth. that's right folks - 6,300 square feet of house on 57,000 square feet of land. ha! but it will give them room to breathe, to grow and to be. or at least it better. with 5 adults living under one roof, you know they're going to need it!

anyway, i'm planning a trip for a week or so in early-mid july to help mom with the interior (uggh, wallpaper stripping), dad with the exterior (landscaping, lots of landscaping) and david with the driving (16 this june! eek!). all the while sweating my guts out in the infamous texas sun. but you know i'm looking forward to every bit of it!!! ah, the memories - those already made and those yet to be.

welcome home - life has come full circle.