dilemma of desire.

so i just got off the phone with my dear friend marla. as freshman hall-mates and fellow bioengineering buddies, we go way back... it's been awhile since we have last caught up but like with any true friendship, the passing of time is an irrelevant factor.

over the course of an hour, we spent most of our conversation on the topic of life's desires regarding career and how to handle the unexpected wrench that gets thrown into our plans. i guess it all comes down to how we approach setbacks and process disappointments that pepper our path.... are we resilient in bouncing back, determined in our pursuit, or do we rather avoid risks altogether, out of fear, giving into comfort? let's just say our little chat was all too relevant.

so really, what makes someone to continue pushing on despite it all? i believe it all comes down to singular focus; knowing what you want and doing what it takes to achieve that goal. seems simple enough. well, that is, if you actually know what you want...

for myself, i finally feel like i am there. of course, it took me all but 2 years to reach this point and even now i'm reticent to embrace it fully...for fear of, well, a lot of things. after graduating college, i had no idea what to do with myself. my previous well-laid plans had come to reveal only disenchantment and a clear picture of what i didn't want in life. well, great. some say that is the first step to discovering what you do want, but what about the steps in between?

i had always envisioned that with age, came clarity, wisdom and direction, however what i have come to find is quite different. rather it appears that this cloud of ambiguity only advances as we get older, for the more we grow, the more options are presented to us - which path to take? where will it take me? will i be happy with this choice or happier with another? how to know? perplexing and paralyzing in every sense, only presenting more questions than answers.

funny enough, the essence of this journey, regardless of circumstance, is all too well captured in a timely grey's anatomy quote. so with this i will end. for whether in the former or latter state, we can all relate to this dilemma of desire.

"too often the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. desire leaves us heartbroken. it wears us out. desire can wreck your life. but as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want."

sigh...such is life, i guess. ;)