inner peace.

honestly - i can't complain. this weekend was a well-balanced recipe of all things good...

it started off with an early morning trip to the dmv to get my motorcycle permit. an hour and half later (ridiculous) i walked out with my new id card with the anticipated not-so-lovely picture. i then met up with some girlfriends of mine - claire, bethany & kelly - to enjoy a little nature hike along the c&o canal and the great falls of the potomac. eight miles later, i returned home, jumped in the shower and hurried off to aggie muster at the historic omni shoreham in dc. gotta love that aggie spirit. while stephen reconnected with some of his old corps buddies, i got to meet his dad's current (but soon to be former) boss. we then schmoozed with the key note speaker and fellow thor's hammer wargamer, lt. gen. william fraser iii, and at the end of it all, we stood in somber silence as all the fallen aggies of past year were honored. the playing of taps gets me everytime. afterwards, we changed out and then scooted across the memorial bridge in our little red vespa to enjoy a pad-thai picnic on the mall and quick afternoon nap in the sun.

in short, yesterday truly was a great day, except...

amidst of it all, an undercurrent of deep restlessness stirred my soul, burdened my spirit and preoccupied my mind. by sunday morning i was in a funk. this tenacious feeling has been haunting me for i don't know how long. i have tried to shake it off by exercise, busyness, self inflection...just to end in futile striving. what's wrong with me? i'm afraid i'm lost in that age old question - "who am i?"

as my mind swam with plans, ambitions, motives? and so much more, we made our way to church this afternoon. caught up in my own little world of questions, i was not really expecting any answers out of the service. but lo and behold, i was pleasantly surprised by the lord's perfect timing. duke gave the sermon tonight, and the relevance almost knocked my socks off.

he centered his preaching around 1 corinthians 7:17-24, but it was the 23rd verse that echoed in my ears..."you were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men." why do we expend so much wasted energy searching approval from others? it is true that every person lives for a master - searching for freedom, joy, confidence - in the belonging. constantly desiring to upgrade our lives whether it is a job, location, or status, we numbly succumb to the social pressures of whatever ideal occupies our mental screensaver.

as we look to our circumstances to define our self-worth, we lose sight of the present. our continual quest for self-improvement leaves us exhausted and empty as we yearn for the unattainable. i think this prayer sums up our fruitless efforts quite succinctly: "there are seasons for all things, but our problem is that no matter which season we're in, we hanker for somewhere else. but god grant us the grace to be here and now, for you are here and now."

it is only when we learn to rest in christ, that we are able to find the freedom we are seeking. finding our honor, status and belonging in him as we accept him as lord over our lives. but of course, our tendency is to embrace this grace only after all our other efforts have failed us....figures! at least i was able to come to this realization tonight and return home feeling at peace. ah - how good it feels to air out my soul!

finally, i'd like to leave you with this amazing hymn whose lyrics have captivated my heart. they were written by martin luther in year...get this...1524.

"from depths of woe (psalm 130)"

from the depths of woe i raise to thee the voice of lamentation;
lord, turn a gracious ear to me and hear my supplication;
if thou iniquities dost mark, our secret sins and misdeeds dark,

o who shall stand before thee? (who shall stand before thee?)

to wash away the crimson stain, grace, grace alone availeth;
our works, alas! are all in vain; in much the best life faileth;
no man can glory in thy sight, all must alike confess thy might,

and live alone by mercy (live alone by mercy)

therefore my trust is in the lord, and not in mine own merit;
on him my soul shall rest, his word upholds my fainting spirit;
his promised mercy is my fort, my comfort and my sweet support;

i wait for it with patience (wait for it with patience)

though great our sins and sore our woes his grace much more aboundeth;
his helping love no limit knows, our upmost need it soundeth.
our shepherd good and true is he, who will at last his israel free

from all their sin and sorrow (all their sin and sorrow)

southern comfort.

no, not the whiskey blend but the musical talents of patty griffin. ever heard of her? i hadn't until just last night.

i had the immense pleasure of hearing her spunky yet mellow tunes for the first time in concert at the historic warner theatre. my good friend susan fernandez (a fellow anglo girl with a distinctly latin surname - love it!) is a fiercely devoted fan of hers and invited me to share the fun and help her celebrate her upcoming birthday. so after enjoying a delish dinner at chef geoff's, we skipped across 13th street, straight into the show. not entirely sure what to expect i prepared myself for the new experience.

in front of a packed out and energetic audience, musician scott miller opened for the little lady. a native from the mountainous shenandoah region of roanoke, va, and a w&m grad, this kid had the stuff! i was so impressed - his expansive octave-to-octave range, accompanied with the acoustic guitar as the harmonica chimed in, just gave me goosebumps. sooo good! i knew if the cover was this fantastic, the star of the show had to be fabulous.

after a quick intermission, the lights dimmed and the spotlight set as patty took the stage... with her fiery reddish brown hair, flowing green skirt and dorothy-"follow the yellow brick road"-red 5" high heels - whew! starting off at the piano, she first performed a beautiful rendition of a french lullaby that her grandmother use to sing. her down-to-earth approach and genuine spirit captivated the audience immediately. for the next 2 hours or so she dazzled and wooed us with her deep lyrics, warming voice and soulful passion. however my favorite song of the night was her one and only love song...that she wrote to her dog (some dog!) - "heavenly day". so happy, so free.

so if you are looking for some new music to chill out to, i recommend checking this pair out. you won't be disappointed. for me it was a refreshing break from my current pop-punk phase :)

as we ask why.

today's horrific blacksburg massacre on the campus of virginia tech took us all by surprise. what irrational acts of violence upon innocent souls don't? the evil, the pain, the injustice. the worst campus shooting in u.s. history with 33 killed. it's hard to comprehend why, even as we ask...why.

walking home in the rain today, my ipod tuned into this song by good charlotte. it made me think of all the hurting hokies and the family of those lost this morning....may the healing begin.

............................................................................................

"we believe"

there’s a woman crying out tonight
her world has changed
she asks god why
her only son has died
and now her daughter cries
she can’t sleep at night

we believe
in this love

we are all the same
human in all our ways and all our pains
(so let it be)
there’s a love that could fall down like rain
(let us see)
let forgiveness wash away the pain
(what we need)
and no one really knows what they are searching for
(we believe)
this world is crying for so much more

we believe
in this love

so this world is too much for you to take
just lay it down and follow me
i’ll be everything you need
in everyway

in this love
we believe

............................................................................................

full circle.

it's official. from 10 east shadowpoint circle to 7 pastoral pond circle, the kauer family is returning to the woodlands. somewhat bittersweet but in the end, for the best. i'm going to miss calling europe "home" as i have for the past 4 years. fortunately we'll have one last hurrah this may, with 2 weeks of family travels planned - from the homebase of prague, to the streets of vienna, back through nurnberg, with a final stop in krakow. whew - can't wait! but as soon as we say adieu, the boxes will emerge and mom, dad and bro will be packing up once again...

returning to a place with over 10 years of memories and where eager family await with open arms. but oh has it been quite the process. with the potential of having the grandparents move in and creating the new central hub for all things family, let's just say everyone has had an opinion on the matter. ;) stephen and i even went on some initial house hunting trips back in december, which was very fun. sticker shock is definitely relative when it comes to real estate and by our dc market standards, everything in texas was a steal. tempting, very tempting, but then again...na.

in other respects, the move back is a little surreal. so much has changed yet not. a lot of life happens in a 6 year period, especially when it involves multiple moves to foreign places (stateside and abroad!). horizons are broadened, wings are stretched, life is experienced from a fresh perspective. everything is new, which makes returning, well, a bit anti-climatic. sure, it's comfortable but there is an innate concern of claustrophobia. homogeneous surroundings, mindsets, expectations, ambitions...not much to pull you out but rather a push to settle. to nest. to dwell. definitely not bad but different than what has been asked of recent. as with any transition from one phase to another, adjustments are needed.

which speaking of, there is one adjustment that won't be much of adjustment at all. everyone knows plain well the republic of texas is all about wide open spaces, and i guess after years of having had to deal with small-scale commodities of europe, my parents embraced the space....an estate-size worth. that's right folks - 6,300 square feet of house on 57,000 square feet of land. ha! but it will give them room to breathe, to grow and to be. or at least it better. with 5 adults living under one roof, you know they're going to need it!

anyway, i'm planning a trip for a week or so in early-mid july to help mom with the interior (uggh, wallpaper stripping), dad with the exterior (landscaping, lots of landscaping) and david with the driving (16 this june! eek!). all the while sweating my guts out in the infamous texas sun. but you know i'm looking forward to every bit of it!!! ah, the memories - those already made and those yet to be.

welcome home - life has come full circle.

easter weekend.

whew. i can't believe it is already wednesday. between the craziness of work and that of my social calendar, i have just been too exhausted to sit and write my eager easter post! well here tis - better late than never.

so this past weekend was fantastic! despite catching a sneezing cold on good friday and having jack frost visit us on holy saturday (no joke, snow, april, uggh), it truly was a wonderful break from the realities of life... to enjoy time with family and bask in the glory of our gracious savior. usually we spend the holiday weekend battling traffic, but this year joe and elaine treated us with a visit - even with their lingering laryngitis sabotaging their vocal cords. quite the pair of troopers, i do declare.

we started off saturday greeting them at their hotel to enjoy the expansive view of the potomac from their room window - stretching all the way from georgetown down to the sw waterfront. spectacular! then of course stephen had to show off his newly acquired motorcycle license permit; he aced the exam earlier that morning...way to break the news, honey ;) we spent the rest of the day touring around dc by car, attempting to see the powder pink display of cherry blossoms despite their peak past. we initially had paddle boat reservations to enjoy the tidal basin scenery but between the not-so-springy weather and the post-bloom buds, it just didn't seem worth it. oh well.

but fortunately not all our plans were spoiled... with the idea initially conceived months ago, elaine purchased tickets for us to attend a grand opera performance at the kennedy center saturday evening. after dinner at their roof terrace restaurant (quite impressive) we grabbed our prime orchestra seats to enjoy the comedic and light-hearded rendition of the french opera - la fille du regiment - or daughter of the regiment, in plain speak. it was such a treat!!! having a mother-in-law with an operatic voice (high soprano c, please) definitely has nice built-in perks. it's just too bad she couldn't sing along :)

easter sunday followed with a lazy morning...no sunrise service this time...and a delicious brunch at bistro bis. we basically licked our plates clean, it was that good. and oh am i hooked on eggs benedict; truly love at first taste. divine. afterwards, we stopped in the nearby union station for an historic first-time visit for elaine and trip down memory lane for me. was that 1st college semester really over 5 years ago? back then, amtrak was my friend as i embarked homebound from philly's 30th st station. anyway, while there, i also convinced elaine to stop by my favorite tourist gift shop inside - AMERICA!'s spirit - that has the best smelling cherry blossom hand-soaps around. seriously - well worth the $3/bar!

we spent the remainder of the afternoon at home, watching ray vander laan's "easter story," enjoying a cat-nap, and/or catching the first half of the masters with all those men in green sports coats (and they call that monstrosity a trophy - barf). meanwhile, the kitties got busy coordinating the annual rodriguez easter egg hunt! it must be the bright colors but f&w just can't get seem to get their noses (& paws!) out of my easter basket. successfully hiding over 5 eggs from us...with one taking a full 15 minutes to find!...they certainly made the tradition egg-citing. ha.

fully rested and inspired, we made our way to church at gracedc for easter service. glenn gave an excellent sermon the vindication and validation of christ's resurrection to the message of grace. it is true that "sin always cost somebody something" but for the sinless christ that was the cross...to bury the power and penalty of sin, for us, forever, to free us from the guilty bondage we deserve. wow, what amazing grace. but i think what i enjoyed most about the service was the weekly "being honest with god" prayer that is uniquely scripted in each week's bulletin. this week's especially hit me. i liked it so much, that i thought i would share...

"merciful father, we confess our sins. although you raised jesus from the dead and exalted him as lord over all, we resist his rule over our decisions and ambitions. we often doubt your ability to give life to the deadness in our hearts and in our city. you exert your resurrection power to redeem the helpless, yet we overlook the oppressed and neglect those who mourn. we often pray as though you were dead - filled with doubt and fear. gracious god, have mercy on us through christ jesus, who died and rose again for our sins. shine the light of your gospel in our hearts, that we might live and serve you in the joy of resurrection life. amen."

i found this humble prayer to live confidently day-to-day in his power to be most refreshing and resonant. with easter now behind us, i leave you with this exhoration to hold on this spirit of freedom and promise of life anew and to celebrate his sacrifice continually, not just annually. he is risen...and so have we through him :)

viva la vespa.

if you have ever been to italy, the sea of these stylish scoots are just impossible to miss. their vintage flair and smooth lines are admired by all - a classic for over 60 years. well, tonight stephen and i joined the vespa revolution for a steal of a deal and became proud owners of a dragon red lx150!!!! bellissima!

pretty crazy, huh? well not so much. in just a few months we'll be downsizing from 2 cars to 1... there's really just no need for both. on a daily basis i either bus or metro to work, and stephen has the option to walk, bike or drive. even on the weekends our needs are pretty sparse. if anything, we dread taking the car on a 10 min, 5 mile drive only to spend twice as long finding a spot to park. let alone shelling out for virginia's oppressive car tax. uggh. despite being an oil baby (gotta love that XOM stock!), i'm all for going green in ways i can. with the vespa's impressive 70 mpg, this well-made machine combines fun and practicality beautifully - vespanomics, anyone? ;) so as my parent's buy-back the lexus, we embrace our lovely italian motorscooter!!

first things first, i need to get a quality helmet and head to the dmv to acquire my motorcycle license (eek! i'm only planning to go 40, tops!) before i can take this baby for a spin. but tomorrow we'll place our order for custom plates...appropriately titled "scusa" - excuuuse me! after all, it is one of the only words i remember using consistently during my italian adventures. those romans sure are pushy....and well, you know the saying.

so bring on the sunny days AND congested city streets. we are ready to join the georgetown gang that enjoys all the perks of scooting around town. ah, freedom.

viva la vespa!

habits of inspiration.

with every new month, i have a tendency to set goals...some realistic, some not so much. maybe it's the flipping of the calendar page or the changing of the date preface that makes me want to start afresh - to kick bad habits and develop healthier ones. spring cleaning, anyone? ;) ok, i'm a little ocd with clean but regarding my daily relaxation habits, well, they could be better.

for the month of april, i have one goal. to replace my couch potato boob-tube status with good old-fashion exercise and fresh air. hello endorphins, goodbye oprah! now it hasn't always been this way. before i graduated college, i hardly turned the tv on; i had one, of course, but it sat there collecting dust. there were just too many important things to do! but now, with the daily grind of work, sleep and other commitments peppered in, i find my first instinct in attempting to relax is to pick up the remote....and then hours seem to slip by, throwing productivity out the window. but i'm fed up. enough's enough. time to reclaim my life, my inspiration, my motivation.

speaking of inspiration, my work environment is anything but. the freezing cold AND polluted basement of TRB makes the cheeriest person what to crawl up and die. seriously. BUT just 2 blocks south lie the nation's most magnificent sites - attracting young and old from coast to coast and countries afar. so with lunch in hand, i left the dungeon behind me and adventured down 19th till i hit constitution ave....with no real purpose i meandered 3 blocks west past some of the more impressive federal buildings. first the DOI (explore america!), then the federal reserve (fun fact: when chairman, greenspan used to walk to work everyday), and finally albert einstien relaxing in front of the NAS (what a funny statue). however at the state dept (HELLO condi), i crossed the street to the beautiful green expanse called our national mall.

feeling a little out of place among the sea of oh-so-obvious tourists (it's a monday, people!!!), i wandered up henry bacon drive (who?) to the majesty of the lincoln memorial. it had been forever since i had last visited honest abe, so why not. after climbing the steep steps i finally reached this monument of marble where “in this temple, as in the hearts of the people for whom he saved the union, the memory of abraham lincoln is enshrined forever.” whew. after reading the gettysburg address to his left and his 2nd inaugural speech to his right (he was assassinated just a month later), i finally found a spot amidst the crowd to sit and enjoy the wide-sweep of the mall below. from the reflecting pool to the newly built WWII memorial, through the spike, past the castle and down to the hill, it was breath-taking. pathetic that i live just 2 miles away but miss out on this view!

fully thawed and rejuvenated, i decided i better head back the reality before i left myself drift too far. so i clopped down the steps, heels clicking away, announcing to the all the dc visitors that i didn't belong and should be back at work. sigh. on my return, i strolled past the vietnam memorial, soaking up its solemnity while trying to dodge the all the families full of kiddos. but again and again, i'd see a local, fitting in their noon-time jog...talk about inspiring!

now, it's been a hell of hiatus since i have last brushed off my running shoes. i'm talking years. my excuse? eh, well, y'know, um...ha - i'm out of them. with the custis trail and the W&OD just outside my apt door and the sites of dc across the potomac, i have way too many options to ignore. and between daylight savings and my recent ta-ta to tv, time is on my side. at least it appears my april goal is realistic. fingers crossed!!! one exception: thursday's are off-limits - i need my weekly grey's/office fix! some habits die hard.